Flaming Chickens
by TatraMegami
Summary: Complete AU of second year with lots of crack. What would happen if Harry traded transfiguration text books with Ginny right after they got home from Diagon Alley? Flaming chickens, that's what.
1. Fire!

A/N: I have a ton of fanfics that I should be writing, but then this really cool crack AU came to me and I had to write it. So this is an AU of the second year, which means that things are going to be completely different. Also keep in mind that this is crack and Harry really is kind of insane... And I am aware that there are a few fics that are kind of similar to the idea in this, but I do think that the crack will make this series a completely different kind of story. So, enjoy!

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Flaming Chickens 1 – Fire

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Harry laughed as he watched the flaming chickens run around Hagrid's yard. Tom was yelling in his mind that Harry was supposed to strangle the roosters, but Harry was enjoying the sight too much to the diary's instructions.

This had all started on the day that they had gone to Diagon Alley. Well, Harry's obsession with fire started back with Dudley and a carton of matches back when they were little, but this current series of events started back in Diagon Alley. Things had gone relatively fine until Lucius Malfoy had picked a fight with Arthur Weasley. The man had picked up one of Ginny's textbooks, rifled through it while making a comment and then threw it back into her cauldron.

Things had descended from there and later on Harry had found Ginny staring at her books in disgust. She didn't want to touch the book that Malfoy had picked up, her transfiguration text book. Harry had quite agreed with her on that fact; it had been rather creepy of the older man to pick up her books. This was when Harry made a horribly brilliant idea.

He offered to trade books with Ginny, figuring that he didn't really need his copy of the first year's transfiguration text book now that he had the second year's text book. He was careful not to mention this idea to Hermione or Ron as he sneaked his copy out of his trunk. Hermione wouldn't agree with not needing the first year's book and Ron would get all fussy about charity. So, it was just Ginny who knew about the trade and Harry dumped the 'slimy' book into his trunk and forgot about it.

It wasn't until the subject of homework came up that he remembered it. Hermione had offered to proofread his essay for Transfiguration and Harry paged through his first year's book in order to find the essay. He didn't find the essay, but he did find a slim journal stuck loosely into the book. He was confused at first until he remembered that he had traded books with Ginny, so he took the journal down to her room to trade again for his essay.

He had offered her the journal, but she had been just as confused as Harry was about its presence. Blushing, she had told Harry that he could keep the journal. Harry had almost left at that point without his essay, feeling uncomfortable about Ginny's weirdness, but she managed to hand the essay over.

The journal faded back into the recess of Harry's mind after that, until the time it came to go to bed. He stared at the slim book as he wondered what he should do with it. He had never kept a journal before; Dudley would either tear it up or tease him about being a girl. This in mind, Harry was kind of leaning on stuffing it down to the bottom of his trunk, but then he started wondering what a wizarding journal was like.

Almost everything was different in the Wizarding world. Quills instead of pens, Quidditch instead of Football, animate chess pieces instead of plastic pieces. Maybe a Wizarding journal would have a handy playback option? Or maybe the ink changed color automatically? There were so many interesting options that Harry just had to figure out what it could do.

So, he opened the book and took out his quill. He then paused as he wondered what to write. He still couldn't get past the feeling as though he shouldn't be writing in the journal and now he had the boy-who-lived people to deal with. He might ignore the stares, but he knew that people would freak if they knew that he was writing in a journal.

He had to be sneaky about it, like a spy. Harry grinned as he remembered all of the spy shows that he was able to watch while cleaning the living room when Dudley was watching his tv. James Bond was actually Dudley's favorite, but Harry liked the American show that they had gotten called 'Get Smart.' The agent in that show was so goofy, but he always managed to save the day. Sometimes Harry felt kind of like that man.

So, that was the reason why Harry started off his entry introducing himself as Maxwell Smart. He was startled when the ink faded into the journal and he grinned as he realized how it was probably a security feature. Now he was just like an actual spy! Of course, then the journal replied back to him, introducing himself as Tom Riddle and Harry learned that it was an enchanted diary, but he still rather preferred to refer to himself as a spy.

Over the next few days, as Harry traveled to Hogwarts and settled in for his second year, Tom Riddle got to know 'Maxwell Smart.' The entity within the diary was slightly surprised that he couldn't gain control of Harry's body after a few weeks, but there really wasn't anything that he could do about it. He just figured that it was because 'Maxwell' needed slight Occlumency shields because he was a 'secret agent.' Riddle had no idea what exactly that meant, but he was waiting patiently until he could take the body over.

Yet, it was beginning to be Halloween and still Riddle couldn't take over the body. He had some hold over it, he was now able to slightly piggyback on 'Maxwell' mind, but that was it. It looked like Riddle had to get 'Maxwell' to open up the Chamber of Secrets on his own power. Still, Riddle didn't really trust the boy enough to just tell him where it was, so he came up with a test.

He sent 'Maxwell' out to kill the roosters, telling the boy that he would show him something cool if he would kill off all of the roosters. It had taken some time to persuade the boy, especially due to the bushy haired female that the boy tended to hang out with. The boy never wanted to just be himself when around his friends; the snarky boy that Riddle heard within the writings made to the entity in the diary.

Finally, Riddle just decided to try to take over the boy with force. He shoved at the small mental hold that he already had and he felt something shift, but he still couldn't take over the body. The boy agreed to help Riddle kill the roosters, though, so Riddle didn't try it again.

Harry crept out in the dark of night, avoiding being caught with the use of his invisibility cloak. All he needed was a shoe phone, Harry mused to himself as he inched along the walls. Really, he could have just walked down the hall like a regular person, especially with the silencing charm that Riddle had taught him, but that wasn't playing a super spy, now was it?

Outside in the partial moonlight, Harry had to be just a bit more careful, but he still could have walked at a normal pace rather than zigzagging through the shadows. Still, he made it down to Hagrid's hut without any trouble. Most of the animals were asleep and Harry had a brief moment of uncertainty as he stared at Hagrid's wooden hut, but Riddle had promised to show him something cool if he did this, so Harry shoved those thoughts away.

He crept over to the chicken coops in the back of the small area, ignoring the chicken coops nearest to Hagrid's hut, and he cast his spell. Immediately the chicken coops went up in a woosh of fire. The animals started screaming as their feathers caught on fire and Harry ran as fast as he could over to the Quidditch fields. It was there that he was able to silently laugh as he watched the flaming dots run around the yard. The teachers flooded the area within minutes as Hagrid sent the alarm up and Harry went back to Hogwarts as soon as the small dots of light started disappearing.

"I told you to kill the roosters," Riddle hissed within his mind, "and I told you to do it quietly!"

"But this was cooler," Harry mentally shot back, "so now you must show me the cool thing that you said you were going to show me!"

"I told you to kill the roosters and the roosters aren't dead!" Riddle exclaimed.

"A rooster or two must be dead," Harry answered as he thought about it, "therefore you should show me the cool thing."

"Two roosters do not equal all of the roosters." Riddle pouted within Harry's mind, although Harry was sure that Riddle would deny it if Harry brought it up.

"I'm going to keep bugging you until you show me," Harry pointed out.

"You're going to have to wait a bit; they're going to be on the alert since you set the chickens on fire!" Riddle shouted the last part.

Harry shrugged. "Last year a troll attacked and they only patrolled for two days before relaxing."

"A troll attacked?" Riddle blinked at the idea.

"My arch-nemesis was after me," Harry answered as he slipped into the common room without the Fat Lady noticing. Riddle had questioned him when he had left the portrait door open an inch when he left to go kill the roosters. Of course, the entity had planned on making the deaths seem like a wild animal attack, not a pyromaniac's attack.

"No wonder you are insane," Riddle muttered back. Harry happily hummed as he made his way up to the dorm room. Harry slipped into bed and fell right asleep, leaving Riddle to ponder over the reason why he couldn't gain control over Harry. He finally decided that it was because the boy was insane and that affected the hold that he could get over the boy's mind. Sometimes the entity wished that one of the other people within Harry's party could have gotten the diary. Even that silly red headed boy would be better than the pyromaniac that he was currently with. Still, there was nothing he could do about it now.


	2. Slytherin's Hair

A/N: And another crazy chapter of Flaming Chickens. Enjoy!

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Chapter 2: Slytherin's Hair

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It took four days, but Riddle finally relented in showing Harry the 'cool' thing that he had promised. Harry was slightly confused when they stopped outside a girl's bathroom, but he went along with it and stepped inside. The bathroom was empty, as he figured it would be in the middle of the night, but there was a slight layer of water on the floor. Harry had great fun splashing his way over to the sink.

"This really is a cool thing, much cooler after having to set something on fire in order to be told about it," Harry told Riddle within his mind.

"The water is not what I want to show you," Riddle retorted. "A floor of water would not be worth setting the chicken coops on fire."

"Oh." Harry shrugged and went back to splashing. "It's still cool."

"Go over to the sink," Riddle ordered Harry.

"And add more water?" Harry's eyes lit up at the idea.

"I though you were supposed to be a pyromaniac," Riddle grumbled. "There's an etching on one of the sinks, I want you to find it."

"Okay." Harry pouted, but he went over to the sink to look. The first faucet that he looked at was clean, but the second did have something etched on the metal. "We B Here?"

"Not that one!" Riddle exclaimed. "Look for a snake."

Harry hummed and went back to inspecting the sinks. He went around the sinks in a circle before finding the small etched snake on the sink next to the first one that he had looked at. "Found it," Harry said and neither of them noticed that what he was saying wasn't English.

"Now tell it _open_," Riddle told Harry.

Harry blinked, not noticing the difference in languages once more. "Open?" Harry hissed out in Parseltongue. The sink started to open up and Harry jumped back in shock before bouncing in place. "You were right, this is cool!"

"Now, go down the tunnel and do exactly what I say," Riddle told Harry.

Harry wrinkled his nose at the amount of grime in the pipe, but he slid down anyway. He cheered all the way down and then, sufficiently hyper, he bounced his way down the passage. Riddle was content to let him go, vaguely directing him whenever Harry showed signs of traveling off down the dead end tunnels.

Harry came to a stop in front of the large doors, bouncing in place while he waited for Riddle to tell him how to get past the doors. "Tell it to _open_ again," Riddle instructed.

"Open," Harry called out. The snakes slowly slid back on the door and it clicked open. Riddle was telling Harry something else, but Harry just ignored the voice in his head as he burst into the room. He spared half a glance at the large statue at the end of the room, but more focused on the giant moats at the side of the room. With a loud whoop, Harry splashed into the nearest source of water.

"You have to be careful here, Maxwell, there's a basilisk in the mouth of Salazar Slytherin's mouth. You need to call him out and let me speak to him, but you can't look him in the eye," Riddle tried to tell Harry. Harry just continued to splash around in the murky water. "For heaven's sake, Smart, you aren't supposed to be playing in the water!"

"Because you want me to talk to the statue?" Harry asked as he paused in the middle of the moat.

"Yes!" Riddle exclaimed, glad to have finally gotten through to the boy.

"Hey Slytherin!" Harry called out. "I hear you don't like muggle borns, which is silly, because you should just kidnap people instead. It's the muggles that are the problem. Anyway, how do you feel about the color pink? Because you look really washed out and you could use a bit of make up."

"I didn't mean for you to just ramble on. Look, repeat after me, okay?" Riddle asked.

"Okay," Harry repeated.

"Good. Now say, _Speak to me, greatest of the Hogwarts Four_," Riddle said.

"Good. Now say, _Speak to me, greatest of the Hogwarts Four_," Harry repeated, using the exact tone and pitch that Riddle had used within his head. Riddle chose not to notice this, as it still got him what he wanted.

Slytherin's mouth slowly opened and Harry ran forward. Before Riddle could say anything, Harry was clambering up the statue. He swung into Slytherin's mouth and slithered his way down the tunnel. "Help, help, Slytherin is eating me!" Harry called out as he made his way down.

"Do you even know what's down there?" Riddle yelped. This was his last chance, he needed his host to be alive and that wouldn't happen if the boy just blindly ran into the Basilisk's gaze.

"Nope, but that's why I'm down here! It's my job to figure out the things that people don't want me to know about." Harry grinned as the tunnel started to open up into a large chamber.

"There's a basilisk down there, which can kill you if you meet its eyes," Riddle explained.

"I'll be sure to introduce myself to the whole animal and not just it's eyes, then." Harry cheerfully hummed as he walked up to the large scaly beast. He poked its side, but the beast did nothing. Harry then took out his trusty box of matches and struck one up. Reveling in the sound of Riddle screaming in his mind, Harry held the flame as close to the scales as he could.

To his disappointment, the scales didn't turn out to be flammable, but the change in heat did wake the basilisk up. "Close your eyes!" Riddle screeched when the snake first started to move.

Harry winced and closed his eyes, slapping his hands over them as well. "Now what?" he asked.

"Now repeat after me and tell the basilisk that I am Slytherin's heir and that it shouldn't kill you," Riddle informed Harry. If he had a body, well, he wouldn't be in this mess, but he would also be biting his nails as he worried what Harry would say.

"Hi hi, Basilisk, I am Slytherin's hair and he would look kind of weird bald, so would you please not eat me?" Harry asked, speaking in parseltongue before Riddle could tell him the exact words.

"Wait, you can speak parseltongue?" Riddle asked, blinking in shock. "Why didn't you say so?"

"Because you spoke it as well, and so does everyone else in my life," Harry replied, still not realizing that he was speaking in another language.

"Parseltongue is snake's language, which means that your so called friends do not speak it. You just haven't learned how to tell the difference just yet." Riddle frowned as he thought this over. What did it say that this boy could actually speak parseltongue?

"Whatever you say, voice in my head." Harry dropped his hands from over his eyes, but still kept them closed.

"Who is this who dares to disturb me?" the basilisk finally spoke and this time Harry could slightly hear a difference.

"Like I said, I am Slytherin's hair. I got bored of sitting in his head, or else he got mad and yanked all of me off of him, but he ate me and so here I am. Since I've already been eaten once, I'll ask not to be eaten again, please." Harry grinned as he waited for a reply.

"You are a strange creature, but you do speak my language and you do feel like the boy I spoke to so long ago. What is it that you ask, Strange One?" the basilisk asked.

"Do you think that Slytherin would like the color pink?" Harry asked.

"I am afraid that I have no concept of what this pink is, Strange One. Tell me, I am so hungry, will you provide me with food?" The basilisk decided to stick with what he knew.

"I'll have the house elves get right on it." Harry nodded in determination. Through Riddle's awesome playback option, Harry knew that Hogwarts had a whole kitchen full of the strange things. They should know what to feed a basilisk and how to get it down to the beast. "So, is there any way for me to keep my eyes open and not get killed by you?"

"I am afraid that there isn't," the basilisk answered and Riddle agreed with it.

"Okay, then, I'll figure something out myself. Anyway, I've got to go, so I'll see you later." Harry blew a kiss at the snake before heading back up Slytherin's throat. He made the appropriate throwing up noises when he climbed out of Slyherin's mouth.

Riddle was berating him all the way out of the chamber, telling him to go back and to order the basilisk around. Harry ignored him as he closed the chamber up and headed over to the tunnel up to the girl's bathroom. "Now, how do we get up?" Harry asked as he peered up the tunnel.

"Tell it _up_," Riddle told Harry.

"Up," Harry hissed and he was sucked up the tunnel. He flew across the room when he reached the top of the tunnel and the sinks automatically started to close. "Wizarding transportation hates me," Harry grumbled as he got up and brushed himself off.

He put on his invisibility cloak and headed back to the Gryffindor tower, already thinking of when he could slip down to ask the house elves for the food for the basilisk. He vaguely thought that maybe he should have warned the basilisk not to eat the house elves, but maybe all he had to do was just warn the house elves and everything would be fine.


End file.
